When Megan Moore got engaged to Patrick Smith, her grandmother offered a tip for married life: “If you’re ever running late getting his dinner, just set the table; he’ll feel like it’s closer to being done that way, even if it isn’t.”
Megan’s reaction to the outdated suggestion? “He’ll be so lucky if he gets dinner!” she laughs. A lot has changed when it comes to being a newlywed, and antiquated advice is second only to gravy boats in terms of overall usefulness once you tie the knot. Getting dinner on the table takes a backseat to more modern concerns about money and communication, and the best advice about reaching your one-year anniversary doesn’t always come from Grandma (sorry, Nana!)—it comes from fellow brides who’ve already been there.
“We” money vs. “me” money
Today the median age at which most Americans get married—26 for women, 28 for men—is the oldest it’s been since the Census began keeping track. That means many couples reach their wedding day with established careers, well-funded 401(k)s and sometimes even two houses.
“Because couples are getting married later both parties are already pretty savvy about money,” says Christina Boyd, first vice president of investments with Merrill Lynch in Wayzata. Yet navigating finances when you marry can be a minefield for even the fiscally mature.
John and Blythe Riske, who were married in November 2008 in Minneapolis, decided to create a joint account for “we” money that each contributes to for bills and rent, while keeping separate “me” money accounts. The eventual goal is to commingle their finances, but it’s a process they decided to ease into after years of being single. “We’re moving towards combining our finances, but there are still two things I don’t want John to know how much I spend on: my hair and clothes,” jokes Blythe. “But really, combining will be a good exercise in communication and honesty.”
“I personally like the idea of pooling assets, but I don’t think people should have to ask someone else every time they want to buy something,” says Boyd. “Everyone should have their own slush fund … in my case, it’s shoe money.” Boyd adds that getting engaged is a great reason to talk to a financial advisor about future fiscal goals and creating a realistic budget with two incomes.
The question of whether to take on a spouse’s debt can be an even tougher decision than joint accounts. Amanda Hart married husband Jake in August 2007 in West Bend, Wis., and both brought significant school loan debt to the union. While uneven debt loads today are often typically kept separate, the Harts decided marriage meant sharing each other’s burdens. “We combined because it makes the payments easier,” Amanda advises. “His debt is mine, and mine is his. It’s something we share.”Communication, like money, carries a lot more weight once rings are exchanged. According to Boston-based psychologist and couples therapist Dr. Mona Barbera, that can take many newlyweds by surprise. “There’s a lot more riding on good communication once you’re married because you can’t go to someone else for the same things anymore—this is it for you!” she explains. “When you’re dating you can go to your own space to get away, but not when you’re married.”While everyone tries to be on their best behavior during the first year of marriage, walking on eggshells can only be sustained for so long. “There was a point where I finally had to say, ‘We’re not roommates. You have a responsibility to me. We’re a unit,’” explains Megan, who married Patrick in St. Paul in 2006, and initially felt like she was taking on more household duties than he was.Barbera says it’s better to speak up, as Megan did, than let things simmer until they boil over; pretending the first year is fault-free just isn’t realistic. “If you don’t say what’s on your mind, resentment starts building,” Barbera explains. “The key is to be calm and collected when you express yourself. It’s easier to hear ‘I’d really like it if you didn’t leave your stuff at the door right when you come in’ when it’s not agitated or demanding.”Even if that communication means a husband is in trouble with the wife, Patrick says he prefers honesty to having to interpret alternate meanings. “When you say ‘You can do what you want’ do you mean it, or is it at my peril?” asks Patrick. “I don’t want to guess at what she’s thinking.”And that whole never-go-to-bed-angry idea? Even Barbera says it’s not a rule to live by. “The key to fighting fair is noticing when you’ve become consumed by your anger,” she says. “If you find yourself so angry that you don’t recognize yourself, you need time to recover. Right yourself and then go back to the conversation later, even if it’s the next day.”On your wedding day it’s easy to say you’re marrying your best friend. A month into the marriage, however, you might wonder just who you’ve agreed to “love, honor, and obey”—especially when the quirks start to come out. Unusual habits and hobbies will often reveal themselves in the first year, taking both husband and wife by surprise. For Amanda, the newlywed joy faded a little when she discovered that husband Jake liked to clip his toenails and throw the remnants behind the couch. “There was a lot of yelling when I uncovered that,” says Amanda. But fair is fair: “He thinks I slurp too much when I eat cereal and drink coffee,” she adds.Even though Megan and Patrick began dating in their teens (both are now nearly 30) an array of interesting quirks still remained to be discovered once they married, including Patrick’s ideas on interior design. “Megan didn’t know that I have a hard and fast rule about decorative pillows,” explains Patrick. “Every pillow must be functional. I can’t put my head on something with beads on it.”Megan shakes her head. “I never thought Patrick cared about decorating—if you saw his place when he was a bachelor you definitely wouldn’t think so,” says Moore. “But once we moved in together he had a lot of opinions.”Of course, those quirks can prove beneficial and even complementary. John Riske’s avid interest in high-end cooking—and his desire to be the only chef working in their kitchen—means Blythe regularly enjoys gourmet meals she didn’t have to lift a finger for. “He doesn’t like me to cook; the kitchen is his area,” says Blythe, “And I see it as a loving gesture.”