Q. My fiancé and I are considering a destination wedding. Would we be expected to pay for our attendants’ transportation and lodging? I assume we are not expected to pay for guests’ travel and lodging costs, right?
A. You’re not required to pay for your attendants’ transportation (although if you can afford to, I’m sure it would be appreciated), but it is the norm that you pay for their accommodations. You are correct that you're not obligated to pay for either of these things for your guests.
Q. My fiancé and I are both getting married for the second time and we each want to ask a friend who was an attendant at our first weddings to participate in our upcoming ceremony. Is this OK? Will our friends think it’s weird if we ask them to repeat what they’ve already done?
A. This isn’t an unusual question. If you had a good friend then who’s still a good friend now, of course you’d like to ask him or her. I think it’s absolutely fine for you and your fiancé to ask them, but I would check to make sure that they’re comfortable with the idea. Make it easy for them to gracefully decline if for any reason it doesn’t feel right for them.
Q. My parents are paying for most of our wedding. I didn’t want it to be this way, but my fiancé and I are struggling financially and my parents wanted to pay. Unfortunately, now they want to invite every one of their friends who ever invited them to a wedding. I don’t want to be unreasonable when they’re being so generous, but it’s starting to get ridiculous. My fiancé and I are starting to think this will really affect what kind of wedding we’ll have. Is there anything we can do?
A. Parental payback on the guest list can be a problem. I do believe, however, that when parents are footing the bill, they’re entitled to have some say in the arrangements, and it sounds like you agree and are sensitive to this. But I also think their ideas have to be within reason. If you feel that your parents’ additions to the guest list have gotten out of control and will affect the atmosphere you want for your wedding, then it’s time to sit down and talk to them. Emphasize your appreciation for their generosity, but explain your concerns about the burgeoning list. Establishing some guidelines might be a good idea too. Maybe you could ask your parents to keep within a certain number of invitees, or limit their reciprocal invitations to weddings they’ve attended within the past few years.
Q. Is it OK to hand-deliver invitations to the people I’m inviting from work? It seems silly to mail them when I see the invitees every day.
A. I know it might seem a little silly, but I strongly encourage you to mail the invitations to your co-workers’ home addresses. Apart from other etiquette concerns, think about how your colleagues who are not invited might feel if they saw you handing out invitations or saw your invitation sitting on someone’s desk.
Q. Are there any rules for how many showers brides can have? I was in a wedding a few years ago where I was invited to three different showers. Between that and my costs for participating in the wedding, it got really expensive. More than one person has mentioned throwing a shower for my wedding, which is nice, but I don’t want it to get out of hand for my attendants.
A. Multiple showers are not uncommon these days, but as you noted from your experience, it’s important to be considerate. No one except attendants and immediate family should be invited to more than one shower, and they are not expected to bring presents to each; one gift per person is sufficient.