Q. We’re having a fairly formal reception dinner and my fiancé and a couple of the groomsmen are worried that they don’t have good table manners. My fiancé thinks he’s going to make a fool of himself. I don’t care, but I want them to feel comfortable. Do you have any suggestions?
A. The first rule of etiquette is always to make your guests feel comfortable, so good for you for thinking about this. In fact, I think people often panic when they see a lot of dishes and utensils on the table, but their use often makes sense and is fairly obvious once you stop and think. Some basics to keep in mind are that the bread plate will be on the left, water glass on the right. Cutlery is not too difficult if you remember to start from the outside and work in: If you have two forks to the left of your plate, use the outside one for the salad or first course and the inside one for the main course. Whatever is placed above your plate—a spoon, fork, or both—is meant to be used for dessert. Things can definitely become more complicated if, for example, you’re having a fish course, but these general rules should help avoid major embarrassment.
Beyond this, if you think it’s necessary, gently encourage them to observe other basic rules like chewing with their mouth closed and not gulping huge mouthfuls of food. These behaviors can be more objectionable than inadvertently grabbing the wrong bread plate. You could review all this with the guys (and if you’re really ambitious you could have a little dinner party to practice). There are also plenty of videos online that demonstrate different table situations.
Finally, remind them that a small faux pas isn’t the end of the world—my brother once drank out of the finger bowl at a formal dinner in England; it’s a story he still tells and laughs about.
Q. My fiancé’s parents are hosting our rehearsal dinner. They’re planning a casual party at a local park and having it catered. That’s great and I appreciate it, but they’ve invited a ton of people—it seems like they’ve invited almost everyone they invited to the wedding! They’re paying for it, so I guess I don’t mind, but I thought the rehearsal dinner was supposed to be just for the people involved in the rehearsal. Should I say something?
A. You’re right that this dinner is really supposed to be a token of gratitude to folks involved in the rehearsal, including the bridal party and officiant, as well as close family and any significant others of the aforementioned. That said, it seems that invitation lists for rehearsal dinners have been growing. This can be nice when, for example, a lot of attendees are from out of town, but it also can create problems. Once you extend the guest list beyond just the people at the rehearsal, it raises the potential that someone might feel left out or take offense. I have also heard brides express concern that too large an event just before the wedding can leave guests feeling a little “partied out” by the time the big day arrives. Both are legitimate concerns, but I think you should weigh these against possible conflict if you say something to your future in-laws. If it’s really bothering you, and you feel it might have an impact on your special day, speak up. Otherwise, just let it go.
Q. Is the maid of honor supposed to wear something different from the other bridesmaids? I’ve found a dress I love that looks great on all three of my attendants. Do I have to go out and look for something else?
A. Absolutely not! It’s true that the honor attendant usually wears something slightly different to acknowledge her position in the wedding party, but this is not a requirement—especially if you’re all happy with the same dress. An alternative could be to have her carry a slightly different bouquet—perhaps a larger bunch, or a different combination of colors. This can be a nice, subtle way to still honor your top maid.
Q. Who takes care of handing out tips at the wedding?
A. It’s usually good to assign this task to someone; most often it’s the best man or wedding planner. I suggest you prepare clearly marked envelopes with the tips inside to make it an easy task.
Q. Are showers and registries appropriate for second weddings? My friend wants to host a bridal shower for me, but I wasn’t sure if this was acceptable. It also seems odd to register for gifts when my fiancé and I already have so much.
A. Your friend can definitely host a shower for you, although in this case showers are generally more low-key. And, yes, you can and should register. People will want to give you presents. As you say, it can be difficult if you already have a lot, so some couples focus on a shared interest or hobby when registering. You could also sign up for a honeymoon registry at websites like thehoneymoon.com.